Better to Have Loved
by wickedelphie21
Summary: Naomi has cancer. My take on Skins: Fire with a more positive ending.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER (and all that jazz): **I don't own Skins. I do own the emotions that the Naomily story arc instilled in me. Skins: Fire lacked the Disney story ending I think we all hoped Naomily would have. I'm not writing this to give that ending to you. I'm writing to wrap up loose ends, close an open ended story. Ideally, things would end happier than the cluster you know what that was Skins: Fire. The plan is for this to be a multi-chapter deal. Reviews appreciated, enjoy.

Emily's cell buzzed on her night stand. Groggily she glanced at the caller ID and her heart skipped. It was Naomi. Their conversations had been fleeting lately. And though it was late, or very early, in New York she answered.

"Naomi, hi," her voice was huskier than usual given she was half asleep.

Annoyed when Naomi didn't speak, Emily said, "Are you high again?"

Still silence, agitated Emily snapped, "Christ, Naoms. It's 3 a.m. here! What is it? We hardly speak and I have a seminar in the morning."

"This is Effy, Emily," said the voice after a sigh. "She doesn't know I'm calling."

"Fuck's sake, Ef. What's she-"

"Cancer."

Everything stopped. Frozen, Emily tried to unhear Effy's voice. The word, six letters, hung in the air with a weight that Emily could not wrap her mind around. Cancer.

"Emily."

"Where is she? Let me speak to her."

"I've arranged for you to fly here in the morning. It's already setup. Your flight is in six hours, JFK." Effy said, matter of factly.

"Flight? What the hell, Effy? What's-" Emily stopped. Things began adding up in her heard too quickly and she felt dizzy. Missed calls, no more Skype. "How long?"

"You'll need to pack for a couple of weeks. The last few months of treatment were unsuccessful."

Months? Emily swallowed and fought back the burn of tears. "Months? Few months of treatment? Why the fuck didn't she tell anyone?"

"She asked me not to tell you. I swore when you were here last that I wouldn't say anything."

"You knew? You fucking knew?"

"I'm sorry, Emily. I promised her. Please, don't miss your flight."

"Promised, you-are you serious? Christ, Effy."

There was silence again. And then, as if everything were collapsing and exploding at the same time, Emily couldn't stop the sobs.

"I wish-I wish it wasn't this way," Effy murmured after a moment. "I've emailed you the flight information. I will meet you at Gatwick."


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER (and all that jazz): **I don't own Skins, though I have borrowed their characters and a limited amount of original dialogue.

I do own the emotions that the Naomily story arc instilled in me. Skins: Fire lacked the Disney story ending I think we all hoped Naomily would have. I'm not writing this to give that ending to you. I'm writing to wrap up loose ends, close an open ended story. Ideally, things would end happier than the cluster you know what that was Skins: Fire.

Thank you to everyone who has followed or reviewed so far, I am blown away by your willingness to read. I'm still getting a handle on formatting and things, hang with me there.

Happy reading!

…

When Emily was finally able to collect herself, she rang her sister Katie.

"Lezzer, you really do live in the city that doesn't sleep." Katie joked.

"I am flying home. To London, I mean. Tomorrow," Emily managed to say, barely above a whisper.

"Where's Naomi?" Katie asked, closing her eyes. Chalk it up to the cliché "twins feel everything the other is feeling" thing, but she knew it had to be about the blonde.

"Katie, she's got, she's got fucking-" Emily paused, choking a sob. "I can't even-"

Katie sighed. Simply by the tone of her voice, Katie could tell Emily was in pain. More pain than she'd been in since college. Before Goa, before Naomi had finally allowed herself to love Emily. Before the silly yet meaningful "tell all" game in Freddie's shed that night so long ago.

"I need you," Emily whimpered. "Effy says-"

"Effy? What's she got to do with this?"

"Katie, it's bad it's-" Emily stopped. She couldn't say it, she had barely been able to hear it when Effy spoke.

"Emsie, whatever it is we will figure it out. I promise. I'll ring Eff. Jesus, I haven't spoken to her in ages. I'll arrange what I can to make it to London," Katie said. Though Katie had shed a lot of her promiscuity in the last three years, she still had the ability to take control of a situation. It had landed her a job with a consulting firm in Spain, in fact.

"Thank you, Katie."

Katie stared at her phone for a moment after Emily hung up. Naomi had promised never to hurt Emily again. Katie had sworn she'd never let that happen either. She needed to ring James. Since her parents had lost the house, the family had grown stronger. Closer. Fitches stick together.

"Katiekins, how are you?" James asked.

"Emsie needs us. Can you get to London?"

"Course, Katie. Should I ring mum and dad?" he asked.

"Not just yet. I'll text you."

….

Emily had packed in a hurry. Stuffing what she could into her blue backpack including her Nikon. It was the camera Naomi had surprised her with before they'd left for Goa. Despite getting an upgraded Nikon when she started her internship, she always found herself lugging the D3000 with her everywhere. It was a part of Naomi she kept close while they were apart.

"Home for the holidays then?" the customs agent asked, smiling at Emily.

"What?" Emily asked, furrowing her brow.

"Looks like you're packed for a short stay, just assumed. Next!"

"Shit! I forgot her gift, I didn't even think," Emily exclaimed. The customs agent gave her a wary look.

"Plenty of shops in the gallery," the customs agent stated. When Emily didn't move, she added," Miss? People are waiting."

"Right. Sorry. Happy Christmas," Emily muttered.

Families reuniting and holiday music flooded the common areas of the airport and invaded Emily's thoughts. _How can they be so fucking happy?_ Emily thought. Of course it wasn't their fault that somewhere a few miles away her girlfriend, her Naomi, was lying in a bed grasping onto life. She shook the image from her mind.

She walked slow, not willing to rush to Effy. What was she to say to her? It wasn't until she saw her, just in front of a band of carolers that a rush of anger washed over her. How dare Effy keep this from her?

"How are you?" Effy asked with a soft smile.

Emily stared her, screaming inside. How was she? How the fuck did Effy think she was? Tired. Confused. And angry, so angry. She felt something in her snap and as if she had no control over herself, she slapped Effy hard and walked toward the taxi queue.

Not terribly surprised by the outburst, Effy turned and followed.

….

More soon. Trying to figure out how much of the original dialogue to use, etcetera. As always reviews appreciated. Thanks!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclosure: **I don't own Skins. I have borrowed some dialogue from the Skins: Fire. Let's give credit where it's due. If you've seen Skins: Fire and you'll recognize the quote. Forgive me if it's not verbatim.

Thank you for your reviews, follows, and favorites. That means the world. I'm working on lengthier updates which will naturally mean a longer time to post. Hopefully it's worth it.

Enjoy.

…

Emily settled into the cab, rolling her eyes as Effy touched her sympathetically. _How can that help?_ Emily thought bitterly. She swallowed hard as Effy asked the cabbie to take them to the hospital. Emily couldn't look at Effy. Instead, she stared out the window as the streets of London passed her by.

...

_"Say something," Naomi urged her, unsure of herself. Unsure if she would have the will to go through with what she'd started. Because yes, she, Naomi Campbell, had started this. And despite the booze and the spliff, she wanted Emily. And maybe, hopefully-_

_"I'm all about experiments, Me," Emily responded nervously. And before Naomi could protest, Emily had reached for her shirt. _

…..

"Emily?" Effy whispered. Emily sighed, shaking away the memory as the cab slowed down. Again, Effy touched her softly.

"Don't," Emily snapped, pulling back her arm. "Not unless you can explain why you didn't tell me? Or her? Fucks sake, why didn't _someone_ tell me?"

Emily looked at Effy now, for the first time since the airport. Pleading with her eyes, she needed to understand.

Effy was quiet as the taxi came to a stop, staring straight ahead. Emily gritted her teeth, waiting. She ways annoyed with Effy, with everything. No, she was pissed as all hell. Emily shook her head and lifted herself out of the cab. Effy made to follow her.

"Stay where you are," Emily demanded. Effy froze.

"Do you not think you've already taken enough away from me as it is?" Emily asked, exasperated. Effy stared, unsure what to say. She knew what Emily wanted, she wanted the same thing. But how could she fix Naomi? She couldn't, she could barely fix herself.

….

"_Tell me what we're gonna do," Effy pleaded._

"_Well, I'm going to die. What are you going to?" Naomi stated through ragged breaths. She'd given up, and Effy hated her for that. Sighing, she reached to embrace Naoms with her free arm._

Emily_, Effy thought. _That's what we're gonna do. Because fuck if I'll let you give up like this.

…

"You didn't-" Emily started. "You didn't deserve this time with her. You stole it from me."

"She wouldn't let me," Effy began. Tears burned on both girls faces.

"I'll never forgive you for that," Emily interrupted, before slamming the taxi door and walking away.

…

Emily sighed as she fell into a chair. She hadn't meant what she'd said to Effy. Not completely. She was exhausted and overwhelmed. She needed to blame someone. Effy was an easy target. Emily closed her eyes.

_Forgive me, Ef,_ she thought. She was boiling over with anger. Now that she was here, alone in the waiting room she kind of wished Effy had followed her in. Katie hadn't been able to find a flight until the following morning. Of course, she wasn't alone, not really. She could find Naomi's room if she wanted. But wasn't it easier to sit and pretend this wasn't real? That Naomi would come to her and scoop her up? Saying she was crazy for thinking she'd lose the one thing, the only thing that mattered to her? Her Naomi, her everything.

Emily took a deep breath, clinching her jaw. Why hadn't Naomi just told her? Ages ago. They would've had more time together.

"Miss?" a nurse said to Emily, lightly touching her arm. "Are you all right? You've been sitting there for a while. And I know it's not my business but it seems you've been crying."

"Fine," Emily replied. She was surprised by the nurse's kindness. "Just here to see someone. My girlfriend."

"Do you need help finding her room?"

"No. I know where it is, thank you. She's resting. I'm just letting her rest," Emily lied.

"I understand. If you need anything, I'll be right over there," the nurse told Emily before walking toward the nurse's station desk.

….

Effy returned to the hospital immediately following her meeting with Victoria. She was surprised when she did not find Emily in Naomi's room. She had to have been gone at least two hours, if not more. She'd been standing outside of Naomi's room for all of five minutes when Emily surfaced.

"I can't go in," Emily admitted. "I just, I need more time."

"There isn't anymore time, Emily," Effy said quietly.

"I'm so angry with her," Emily replied, saying it aloud for the first time. She could feel her cheeks flush and fresh tears in her brown eyes.

"She's dying, Emily," Effy responded simply.

Emily choked a sob back, "I know."

Effy collected the petite woman into her arms, allowing Emily to sob quietly for a few moments.

"Look at me," Effy instructed, holding Emily's shoulders. "You have to be strong for her. You have to be strong her like she was strong for you."

Emily nodded, taking a deep breath to steady her. With one last look at Naomi through the glass, she rounded the corner and opened the door. Without hesitation, she lifted the thin blanket covering Naomi and slid into bed next to her girlfriend. Her heart was pounding as Naomi turned, opening her steal blue eyes. Emily gently stroked Naomi's cheek.

They stared at each other for a moment, no words needed to be spoken. Emily couldn't prevent the sobs from overtaking her and she collapsed onto Naomi's chest. Naomi instinctively wrapped her arm around Emily and wasn't surprised to see Effy when she looked up. _Thank you,_ she mouthed. Effy nodded and turned away unwilling to witness what felt like a private moment between Emily and Naomi.

….

Thanks for reading so far! More soon. Review if you have a moment :o)


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: So so sorry for the break. Life gets in the way and life has dealt me a couple blows lately. But I am here! And trust me I am writing this story. I hope you all are still with me!

Disclaimer: Don't own Skins. You know the drill.

Please review, suggest, or berate me for being absent. I'll take allllll criticism and praise. And forgive me for errors ahead of time. Is anyone a beta? I suck at self editing.

"Effy!" Katie called, rushing to the brunette. Effy embraced Katie, relieved to see her college friend. "What the hell is going on?"

"Cancer," Effy stated. "It's bad. She's given up on treatment. No longer responding." 

"Given up?" Katie asked incredulously. "Naomi? Fuck that lezzer."

"Katie," Effy started.

"No. She is not allowed to break my sister's heart again. There has to be an answer," Katie stated.

"She's dying-"

"You may have played this sad act with Emily, but I'm Katie Fucking Fitch and Naomi will not give up."

Effy smirked, "I'm glad Em called you."

"Yeah? Emily knows when to call people," Katie stated.

"Katie, don't."

Whatever," Katie shrugged.

Emily slept in Naomi's arms for some time, the exhaustion of jet lag and her emotions taking its toll. Despite the nuances of the hospital room, Naomi felt comfortable for the first time in a long time. She even felt as if she had more energy than she had of late.

Naomi stroked her girlfriend's red hair as Emily stirred after a few hours. Emily groaned and lifted her head to meet Naomi's eyes.

"I was hoping I'd wake up and this all would've been a nightmare," Emily murmured. Naomi frowned.

"I've wished that everyday for months."

"Naomi," Emily whispered, looking away from the blonde. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Naomi fell silent. She'd been anticipating this question and no matter how many times she had rehearsed an answer in her head, nothing ever seemed right.

"Naoms?"

"I didn't want you to leave your internship. I thought we had time. And I- I was afraid to hurt you again. I promised in Freddy's shed," Naomi explained, avoiding eye contact with Emily.

"And now?"

"Emily, I'm so sorry," Naomi said simply. She could feel the burn of tears in her eyes and her breathing became difficult. Emily immediately recognized the change and lifted herself off of Naomi.

"Rest," Emily ordered, tucking Naomi's blankets around the girl's frail body. Emily leaned down and kissed Naomi's forehead softly. "I am going to get some coffee. I'll be back."

Naomi nodded and Emily walked toward the door. Before leaving she turned back to Naomi and said, "It hurts more that you've given up. That's not the Naomi I love."

Naomi watched as Emily walked away, Emily's words echoing in the space around Naomi. 


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I don't own Skins. And all that good stuff. **

**Hoping to put a more positive spin on this in the next few chapters. Enough doom and gloom, yeah?**

**Thank you for continuing to read. If you have time, I appreciate any thoughts or comments you may leave in the reviews.**

…

"Katie!" exclaimed Emily, throwing her arms around her twin. Katie held Emily tightly, it had been awhile since the two had seen each other. "Thank you for coming."

"Emsie," Katie said. "Where else would I be?"

"I assume Effy's filled you in?" Emily asked.

"Cancer and arrests, I'm filled in. James is on his way. Mum and Dad-"

"You didn't call them?" Emily asked, anxiety flickering in her eyes.

"Course not, Em," Katie replied. "I'm not dim."

"It's so good to see you," Emily said, hugging Katie again.

"Let's sit," Katie stated, putting her arm loosely around her twin and walking toward the chairs of the waiting room. "I spoke to Naomi's doctor. Lied, said I was a cousin."

"Katie!"

"Yeah, didn't think about how odd it'll look that my twin is tonguing my alleged cousin," Katie explained. "But I needed answers. Naomi will fucking fight this if it kills me."

Emily eyed Katie sternly. "Sorry, poor phrasing," Katie shrugged. "Anyway, Naomi's kidney cancer is Stage III which means the cancer cells have spread to her lymph nodes. She has been undergoing radiation therapy for a few months, since before your last visit."

"Jesus," Emily whispered. "She told me she was at comedy workshops. I had no idea."

"Bitch should've told you, Emsie," Katie said. Emily eyes widened. "Sorry, too soon?"

"Of course it is, Katie," Emily replied, shaking her head. "What else did you find out? Effy said she's no longer responding to the treatments."

"She isn't. But that's not the only option," Katie explained. "There is a surgery which apparently Naomi turned down."

"What?" Emily said, raising her voice. She started to stand intent on marching right back to Naomi's room, but Katie stopped her.

"It's risky, Emily. She turned it down a couple weeks ago because she was afraid-" but Katie stopped and looked down. She didn't need to finish, Emily knew what she was going to say.

"So they made her comfortable instead. She was just waiting for me before she let herself die," Emily concluded, fresh tears staining her cheeks. Katie collected her sister into an embrace.

"I know it's a stretch, but James and I would like to talk to Naomi when he gets here," Katie stated.

Emily lifted her head in disbelief, "What, alone?"

"Yeah. Look, we promise she'll still be alive when we're done with her," Katie joked. She was pleased that Emily finally managed a slight smile.

…

James, who had begun his first year of the Medicine course at University of Cambridge, arrived at the hospital a little over an hour after Katie. The siblings embraced and Emily took mental note of how much her brother had changed in the time he'd gone to university and she'd moved to New York. He was less of a perv and more of a man, despite the fact that he was pursuing gynecology based on his never ending obsession with females.

"Bloody good to see you, Emsie," James told his sister. Emily smiled, drinking the coffee James had bought her on his way into the waiting room. "Keep your peck up, yeah? We'll figure this thing out."

Emily chuckled, correcting her earlier impression that James had changed his pervy ways.

"So, we'll just be going then?" Katie said to Emily, her face asking for permission one more time. Emily had finally agreed to let Katie and James speak to Naomi alone as long as Emily could give Naomi fair warning.

"Yeah," Emily replied, standing, "but, Katie, no jokes about her hair, okay? Or the hospital gown she's wearing, for that matter."

"I'll keep her straight, Em," James promised.

"Right, let's just get this over with," Emily said and the siblings walked towards Naomi's room.

…

Emily opened the door softly to find Naomi lying awake staring at her. It was if Naomi had been lying like this in anticipation of seeing Emily walk through the door. They shared a smile and Naomi lifted her blanket, motioning for Emily to lie with her.

"I'm not staying," Emily muttered, looking at the floor. "There's someone here who'd like to see you."

"Please tell me it's not my mum," Naomi begged.

_Shit, Gina, _Emily thought. "Does she know?"

"Yes," Naomi whispered. Emily nodded. She wasn't sure if she was glad Gina knew because it meant Naomi had more than just Effy or hurt that it still felt Naomi had made it a point to tell anyone but Emily. She shook the thought from her mind.

"Not your mum," Emily answered. "It's Katie and James. If it's all right, they'd like to speak to you alone. I'll be right outside if you get tired or they get to be too much."

Emily kissed Naomi softly, her heart fluttering from the contact of their lips and yet breaking from the moan Naomi emitted in pain. Reluctantly she left the room and nodded to Katie and James. She wasn't sure what these two had in mind, but she hoped it worked.

…

"You look bleedin' awful," James blurted. Katie elbowed him in the ribs and Naomi attempted a laugh before quickly losing her breath.

"Good to see you too, James," Naomi managed to whisper.

"Right," Katie said, sitting in a chair near Naomi's bed. "Let's get to business. James' professor is a specialist in nephrectomy and has agreed to examine you as an advanced learning experience for his students. This won't, of course, fix the fact that the cancer has spread to your lymphatic system but we'll cross one thing off the list at a time. The surgery is the most important at this time and I'll be damned if you turn it down again."

"As soon as you sign the appropriate paperwork, I've gained permission for you to transfer to Cambridge as soon as this evening," James said, tagging onto Katie's words.

"I'm a comedian, and not a terribly successful one," Naomi said between breaths. "I can't afford fancy care."

"It's all setup," James said quickly. "Wouldn't mind if ya showed me your tits though."

"Christ, James," Katie yelped. "And Ems was worried about me!"

"Only jokin, Katikins, Naoms knows that," James laughed.

"And if I say no?" Naomi said after a moment, gazing at the ceiling. The truth was, she was tired of being in pain and she couldn't imagine putting Emily through more than the hurt she'd already caused from months of lying.

"Fuck you if you think that's an option, Campbell," Katie said angrily.

…

**All right, so that's chapter 5. Forgive me if any of you are medical students, my research wasn't terribly thorough but I'm going to plead artistic license. :o) More soon!**


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